What the Hell am I Doing?
Hi, this is Ryan. I'm feeling a little vulnerable today, so I'm tossing this out there. Hope you're doing well!
"Purpose. It's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass." – Princeton, Purpose, Ave Q
In Avenue Q, Princeton is trying desperately to find his purpose. "Everyone else has a purpose, so what's mine?" I've been asking myself that same question for so many years. During the song, he finds a penny and takes it as a sign, and then suddenly realizes that his purpose is to help Kate open a school. If only it were that easy.
A few years ago, I was told that I was trying to do nothing more than make a buck off the stories of other people's hardships. That hit me so hard that I retreated into a hole for a while and I really had to stop and evaluate my purpose.
I was reminded of the scene from RENT:
Who The Fuck Do You Think You Think You Are?
I Don't Need Any Goddamn Help
From Some Bleeding Heart Cameraman
My Life's Not For You To
Make A Name For Yourself On!
Just Trying To Use Me To Kill His Guilt
It's Not That Kind Of Movie, Honey
Let's Go - This Lot Is Full Of
You Gotta Dollar?
I Thought Not
I suppose it doesn't really matter what I say, as everyone's interpretation is their perception, and their perception is their reality. When I'm feeling down about myself, I often think that maybe my intentions aren't for good. When I'm depressed and I feel like I'm a terrible person, I feel like I might be trying to exploit people for my own gain. There are two sides fighting here. The emotional side of me that can't believe I could be a good person, and then there's the intellectual side of me that says that I'm doing nothing to cause any harm. Sometimes there's a winning side and I move forward. Sometimes there's a winning side and I crawl into a ball under my blanket.
So let me sum it up. My purpose is to create a community of users that can communicate and support one another. My purpose is to build people up. My purpose is to learn and grow. If one day the website starts making money, it will become a 501(c)3 and will be governed by a volunteering board, disseminating funds for good.