Another Bump in the Road

I'm Barely Kicking but I'm Still Here

If you'd asked me last week how I felt about things, I would have told you emphatically that everything was looking up and that we're getting ready to conquer the world. I was incredibly enthusiastic about Building Beyond Me and was joyfully working on it, tweaking it, rethinking its identity. 

There's no question that I'd been hitting the upper ends of normalcy, verging into mania for a few weeks or more. Sleep was not important, but everything about changing the world was of dire importance! I had meaning and purpose and dammit if I wasn't going to use that purpose to the fullest. 

I saw my psychiatrist, who I see about once a month. He has been starting to get concerned that I'm not sleeping and that grandiose thoughts of saving the world were developing into a common theme. Call it mania or hypomania, I'm not really sure, but I do know that I was getting a bit off, and the last thing I want is to go into a full manic state where psychosis and hallucinations take over and I can't grasp reality.

Welcome Mood Shift

 I go from GO to STOP and back again. 

I go from GO to STOP and back again. 

A new medication was in order as the mood stabilizers I've been on haven't been having the "stabilizing effect" that one would hope for. I can't take the standard anti-psychotic based stabilizers because I have horrible side effects. So, onto a new (old) drug. Seroquel. I was put on Seroquel during an acute episode a few years back in which I was coming out of a suicide attempt, was completely detached from reality, and not coping. It was to calm me and make me sleep. I don't know if it did anything back in those days. I didn't even complete a full prescription.

This could be entirely circumstantial because when a mood swings, it swings hard, medication or not, but now, a few days into Seroquel and I'm not sure I know who I am. I've lost all motivation. Changing the world seems like an impossible feat, one not even worth trying. Building Beyond Me feels like a stupid idea that will never amount to anything more than my own whining about how bad my privileged life is.

Please forgive me. I'm not giving up. Deep down, I feel this project has merit. I just don't have the energy to care right now. More than anything, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.