A Shadow of Myself

A nice mixture of many depths in the light of the morning sun

A nice mixture of many depths in the light of the morning sun

Morning. It's still dark. It's way too early to get up. I can't leave the house because my dog will wake everyone up with her howling in protest to my being gone. It's almost 4:00. If I did leave, I could walk slowly and arrive at Starbucks just as they open. Maybe I could stop my mind from racing if I try to put it in words by writing. No. Stay. Try to sleep. Pretend to sleep. 

I need something to distract my mind. It's taking me to too many bad places, way too fast. It's a slideshow of bad. Shame. Fear. I've let everyone down. I'm not real. 

I'm not real. What is this feeling? Where am I? My feet itch really badly. Are they my feet? They're probably not. I'm climbing back into bed. Why? When did I get up? What was I doing? It's 4:15. My throat hurts. Is it my throat? What does "mine" mean?

I'm filled with nervous energy. I'm worried. Breathe. Get present. Okay, here I am. Wait, where did I go? Am I real? My body hurts, but it's off in the distance. 

It's 12:30 now.  The sun has been up for hours. I've eaten, showered, vacuumed, cleaned the toilet, walked to Starbucks, and started typing. It's disjointed. I'm not sure I'm here. Something is off in my mind right now. It's not letting me rest. I'm afraid of everything I see. 

I'm afraid that I'm re-entering a manic phase, or at the very least, a hypo-manic phase. This is not a comfortable place to be. I can't tell if it's medication related.  I've started a new one, adjusted dosage on another one, and reached a length of time on another where I may be feeling its effect. So, do I attribute it to any one of those things, or is it just that time of year when I'm transitioning into a go phase as opposed to a live in bed phase? Perhaps time will tell.