My Life is Either Stop or Go, and when it's Go, I'm Running Yellow Lights

This Disorder Gets You Fired or Promoted...

az-ave-aurora-black-white-stoplight

Perhaps it's just the nature of my physiology, mixed with Bipolar Disorder and a few other diagnoses, but I'll tell you, it's a ride that needs a mechanic. I'm supposed to be that mechanic by taking an active role in therapy, treatment, and recovery, but mostly I feel like I'm failing.

It was explained to me by a psychiatrist (a few psychiatrists ago) that Bipolar Disorder is an energy disorder. I either have too much of it, or not enough of it. After spending the majority of the last couple of years on the severely depressed side of things (not enough energy), I experienced a brief period, maybe a month or two of having energy. As is usual in that case, I over-committed, over-did, ran too many yellow lights, and came to another red light.

Stop. I stopped again. I wish I could say it's that simple, but it's not. It's more like the world heaved itself upon me, overwhelming me with emotion, rage, fear, and dissolution. At that point, I revert to childhood. I disassociate and hide. I've been hiding in bed for a few weeks now. 

Glimpses of creative inspiration have started to hit me again, and although I haven't hit a green light yet, I'm trying to foster them into sparks. I need to get moving again, but damn it's hard.  

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Obviously if you've been on Twitter or Facebook in the last few days, you've seen countless posts about Carrie Fisher. I've known about her work in mental health advocacy for quite some time, and have been very fond of her in interviews, finding her candid nature refreshing. Now I'm seeing all of these quotes and news stories about her, about her illness, about her struggle, and about how she fought and fought back. It makes me think that maybe I'd better hurry up and start fighting.

Some days I'm suicidal. I just want to die. Some days I feel like I'm already dead. Today was one of those days. I slept the night and day away. My brain didn't kick into function until just now (10:30ish PM). All of a sudden, I want to be creative. I want to make something meaningful and help save/change the world. I don't have the energy though, so I'm going back to bed.

Another day, perhaps.