My therapist and I agreed that it would be good to add additional therapy to my regimen, and he just so happened to be starting as a facilitator in a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group. I've never done any DBT therapy, so it seemed like a good idea to try it out.
We are now three weeks into the group and have just finished the third session. The group size has dwindled considerably from where it started and there are only about half as many people in it now. This is a little bit helpful for my anxiety, but I'm still having a hard time staying present and focused.
To top off my anxiety, I forgot to bring my folder which contained my homework from last week. I realized I'd forgotten it a few moments after leaving home, but I couldn't risk missing the bus by going back for it. I felt like a little kid in school who was going to be in trouble for not turning in an assignment.
It's the first time I've participated in a group of any sort in a long time. It's interesting to be in a group dynamic again, where some people are very participatory and others, like me, are very quiet and more reserved.
I have a feeling when I'm sitting in a group that I need to be prepared to participate at any time, and then feel self conscious that I'm spending so much time thinking about participating that I'm not present enough to know what's going on to actually participate.
The point of the group is to learn new tools for coping, identifying challenges, and responding positively. DBT was originally designed to treat borderline personality disorder but has now been expanded to treat anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder.
In my therapy appointments recently, I'm realizing just how negative I am towards myself and my situation. I feel like if I really wanted to get better that I would do a better job of it and just get better. I feel like a drain on society and my family.
The story is getting old, and I'm getting tired of spouting the same tired tragedy. I don't want to see any friends or talk to anyone because the inevitable questions of "how have you been?" are enough to cripple me. I don't know how to answer that question without wanting to break into tears.
I don't seem to be able to look at the positive side of life. I'm just going through the motions, wanting to die, but instead going to class, to therapy, and doctors appointments. There's very little joy in my life and my world has become so small.