At the request of my therapist, I was transferred to the mental health unit of probation. It was an anxiety inducing situation to start probation, meeting my probation officer and feeling overwhelmed by all of the new process I had to attend to. Shortly after that, I was transferred to the mental health unit, and thus started a new round of anxiety with meeting and becoming comfortable with a new probation officer. Fast forward a few months, and now the probation officer that I have finally become accustomed to is retiring.
Today I'm sitting and waiting, just passing time. I have an appointment to meet another new probation officer. My stomach is churning. My mind is dragging me through all of the terrible scenarios that I could be facing, though it's likely none of them would ever come to reality. I don't want this change. I don't want to go to this meeting. I want to curl up in bed under my blanket and pretend the world doesn't exist.
I've been rapid cycling between depression and mania recently, and today I'm on the depressed side of things. The fun part is that whether depressed, normal-ish, or manic, the overriding experience through it all is still anxiety. Anxiety was the one thing I knew years ago I needed to address, the thing I wanted most to be free of. Unfortunately it's been the thing that has never abated, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Every plan and process cripples me with anxiety. Sometimes I can push through it, and sometimes I can't. In a situation like today, I have no choice but to push through it, but it's making me sick to my stomach.
Yay. Another day...